you may ask yourself, what is Nate gonna do?

Hey, guess what? I’m basically unemployable in Germany. I don’t have a degree or critical skill, I can’t forge documents and I can’t bring myself to deal drugs to the school kids so I’m kinda effed. In case you didn’t know, to work in Germany as an American you have to be able to do something a German can’t; ie, be a trained accountant who can speak fluent German and English, have 5 years experience following sales trends in Adidas footwear, know how to win a war.(OH, BURN!!!!) Possessing none of this information I've been feeling like a bit of an albatross to the Tiff-Bot 3000 and I’m forced to come to some sort of a creative solution.

The next part is relevant, stay with me kids. If you’re curious Mexican food in Germany sucks, I’d gonna wager donuts to pesos it’s cause there aren’t very many Mexicans and the few that are here aren’t doing a very good job holding it down for their countrymen and women. (Step yer game up, Jose) Tiff-Bot and I went to a local restaurant called Punta’s. Punta is Spanish for “end” as in the tip of a peninsula or ass. (Many Putas think there is an “N” in the word puta, pronouncing it POON-TAH. Puta is slang for a whore. Punta is not, and now you know) Punta’s lived up to it’s name. It was the ass end of “Mexican food". Their attempt and a simple shrimp “burrito” was flavorless, lifeless and worthless. There was cauliflower in mine and broccoli in Tippy’s. Re-read the last sentence. Again…again…again.

So, Imma open a burrito cart.

Tired of listening to me bitch about not having anything to do, coupled with my lack of skills necessary to earn myself gainful employment Tip and I decided I should open a burrito truck. We love burritos, we miss them more than ANYTHING else about the States (except you guys and burritos, wait, I already said burritos) and because we are those “can-do” type people who assume (SCREAMINGLY arrogantly) that it can’t be THAT hard. So I’ve started writing up a business plan for a burrito truck. It’s either gonna be called:

1) Jack Bastard’s West Coast Style Burritos
or
2) USA GI Joe Okay Burrito Number One Food Car

I’m not sure yet, I’ll take a poll. Maybe the second one if I open in Vietnam…

Now that I have 2 totally awesome names all I need is a space to work my magic, I found an unused and seemingly abandoned Asian/Thai imbiss (take away) cart down the hill from our hotel and set off to find the owner. The cart itself looked like it had been there awhile, it had no posted phone number, no license plates, no forwarding address no nothing, my only clue was the word "CROATOAN" carved into a nearby tree. I decided the only thing to do was to ask someone who knows more than me. I went to the cops. They didn’t know anything…nor did they care. They did say to talk to the guy who owns the camping store.
The guy at the camping store was pretty sure the guy who owned the cart also had a jungle motif’ed imbiss somewhere in town. This was either a flat-out lie or the place didn’t exist anymore, I’ve walked all over this half -donkey town and never did see an imbiss matching that description. So I continued asking locals. The employees of the other Asian food place in town spoke exactly zero Engrish but together we figured out how to send me across the road to some nice folks who had my home tongue down a little better. They told me a couple years earlier they had been “all up to hell and back” trying to find the owner with no luck. The cart wasn’t on public ground so it wasn’t abandoned and no one could find or knew the owner.
Dead end.
Shite.

As I walked past the destitute imbiss on the way home I saw a take away stand I hadn’t noticed before and like a fat kid at a school dance figured “what the hell, might as well get shot down by everyone” so I asked (read: I used the translator on my iPhone) the lady there if she knew who owned the deserted cart, lo and behold she did! His name is Nygh, (one name, like Madonna!) he owned an imbiss (take away) called Heaven (I would find out later this was a lie) in Erlangen (a town up the road) near the arcaden (what we would call a mall). The next day Tiff and her co-workers translated a note for me that said I wanted to see and potentially purchase the cart I stuffed the note in my pocket and jumped on a bus to Erlangen. All I had to do was find this dude and see if he wanted to sell me my new restaurant.

I’d like to stop for a minute and remind you that I don’t speak any Germanic or any Asian languages, even if I find Nygh the odds that this dude will have ANY clue as to what I’m talking about are minimal, even if I can find him, even if he can read the note, if I can find him…dear reader, this should be an adventure.

I got off the bus in front of the arcaden in Erlangen and started walking around, I walked the main streets, the side streets, all 3 levels of the mall, I went down roads it COULDN’T be on, roads it HAD to be on and everywhere in between. I could NOT find Heaven imbiss. So again, I just started asking people. I couldn't believe it!! A guy near the mall knew Nygh, he pointed down the street toward the main market or hauptmart.
“Down that way?”
“Ja” he said
“Nygh is that way?”
“Ja” he said again.
I flexed all my German language muscle, said “Danke” and headed down a street I had already been down twice. As I walked back toward the market, reading every sign as carefully as I could all I could think was “at least this guy exists…maybe”. I was almost to the town square looking for a sign, any sign when I spotted two girls cleaning in front of an Asian store, maybe they know Nygh, I thought. Just before I got to them though I crossed an ally, in that ally I saw an imbiss, I figured I’d duck in real quick.

“Hello, mein name ist Nathan, I’m looking for Nygh”
“I am Nygh”
“You’re shitting me” I thought.
His grandson/son/best friend/guy-who-kinda-speaks-Engrish was there and translated the rest of the conversation. I gave him the note and was told he’d sell for 5000 euro, which seemed high for an abandoned cart in a Herzo.
“When can I see inside?”
“Today, in 30 minutes”
The old man motioned for me to follow him outside, the grandson/best friend/guy-who-kinda-speaks-Engrish followed.
“Go with him, he’s going to get a car, he’ll give you a ride”
The old man offered me a smoke, lit one up for himself and then took off on his bike with me jogging and smoking behind him. We went about half a mile and he dropped me at another restaurant with another guy who spoke a little Engrish.
“Wait here, he’s going to get the car, be back in ten minutes”
Ten minutes later I’m in a Volkswagon minivan with a guy owns my restaurant and shares MAYBE 3 common words with me. (I’ll guess Volkswagon, bier and 5000) We drive in silence to Herzogenaurach and check out the imbiss…we’ll see if it’s worth the 5000 euros when I get the business plan written up…PS when you come visit you’re gonna work a shift or two