Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Absolute Hair Metal Volumes 1-11

I grew up on metal, I didn't just have an older sister (Sara) who was totally into metal I had a grandma (Lila) who bought Sara (and by proxy, me) the Twisted Sister "Stay Hungry" cassette, I had a step dad who gave me his Black Sabbath records when I was 11 or 12 and a mom who once cut a shopping excursion short so we could go home cause I bought Girls, Girls, Girls.

My credentials:

I had a 4 panel fold out poster of Mick Mars BY HIMSELF. A real metal head knows how rare this is.
I know why Kane Roberts is so rad. (Machine gun guitar)
I know who Love/Hate is. (Awesome, cheap GNR xerox, guitarist = Skid, singer = Jizzy Pearl)
I made 3 volumes of 90 minute mix tapes solely consisting of songs from the first 3 Metallica albums.
I was SHOCKED that Rob Halford was gay.
I can quote "The Warrior's Prayer" to you right now in it's entirety, verbatim, with the Scottish brogue.
My love of KISS was not based only on the cool-make-up-decent-songs-Destroyer era, I loved 'em during Lick It Up through Hot In The Shade. I'm talkin' Vinnie Vincent, Mark St John and Bruce Kulick, man the suck years. A whole wall of ugly, makeup-less posters. A whole wall of shame.

I grew up listening to metal.
The other day I downloaded a torrent called Absolute Hair Metal. It ended up being 111 volumes deep with 14 tracks per album, most of them by bands I knew peripherally at best. I can't POSSIBLY listen to all this and neither can you so we're gonna go through it in bits and pieces. I made a playlist today to listen to while I did dishes and we gonna talk about each track real quick.


Rip and Tear - LA Guns

Once LA Guns starts a rockin' do you think they're gonna stop? The answer is "No, of course LA Guns is not going to stop rockin' JESUS, that's just silly Mr. Silly Goose." Also, they are not asking permission to come after you, they are just going to do it, but don't worry they "shoot to thrill" and think you are "nice n' sleazy."

Bang Bang - Danger Danger

I'm not real familiar with this band so I cannot say for sure if the whole band has a stuttering problem of they always say things two times, two times. They sound like they picked this song out of Jo Bo Jo's trash. Radio pop metal....gross.

I Wanna Be Somebody - WASP


This song rules. End of review.

PS If you get a chance to see WASP this summer, go do it, they sound exactly the same as they did in 1987.
PPS It's because they're using backing tracks for all the music and lip syncing all the words... Chris Holmes died BEFORE he filmed his interview in the second "Decline"

Riot In Everyone -Crashdiet


You named your band Crashdiet?? Seriously? It's just my 2 cents but maybe you guys should have had one more band meeting before settling on "Crashdiet." This song is the classic example of "we're a live band, the producer didn't understand our vibe" Someone turned the metal down and the suck WAAAAAAY up on this band. Too bad, if they were a bit harder and had a better name I'dah asked Chris Pelner to marker it on my jean jacket in middle school. You can't write CRASHDIET on the back of your denim next to Celtic Frost and Motorhead, you just can't.

Wild In The Streets -Helix

AC/DC called, they've been doing this for awhile already and doing it much... much better. Check back with us if the WHOLE BAND chokes on ONE GUY'S vomit.

I'll Be There For You - Black-n-Blue

This is SOOOO gay. Hey Black n Blue, do you intend to be there for your friends? Even when times are bad and things are looking blue? Should friends and lovers live like strangers? What are you even TALKING ABOUT??

Right To Rock - Keel

At least when Beastie Boys did this song they were joking.
"Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life.
We won't turn it off, we won't turn it down, cause it's our way of life"
Good rhyme, Ron.
If I ever have a son I'm gonna give him this song as a test and if he ever quotes it back to me I'm gonna beat his momma with a shovel because she obviously cheated on me and I've been raising some bastard kid.

Damned If We Do, Damned If We Don't - Sleeze Beez

A poor man's Def Leppard with horns. Sample Lyric: "Momma said son don't you be a fool, it's time to face the golden rule"
then it goes on about cutting your hair and getting a 9 to 5 job. Hey Sleez Beez, the Golden Rule is "do unto others as you would have done unto you." It has NOTHING to do with anything you're talking about.
They also mention (as metal songs from this era tend to) the all-hated "three piece suit." You know who wears three piece suits? Lawyers, accountants, executives and other college graduates, not greasy drop-outs who MIGHT get a graveyard shift at the Pump-n-Dump if they can get up before 5 pm to ride their 10 speed with the bull horn handlebars down the block and turn in a fucking application...jeez.

Dead, Jail or Rock and Roll - Michael Monroe

I was betting on Dead but I Wiki'd Mikey and it looks like Rock and Roll is winning....so far.
This song opens the windows on your Firebird...you say you don't drive an Firebird? You do now.

Shame - Pink Cream 69

I had never heard of this song or this band before today, it's a good song, it's got a good hook, and smart lyrics, unfortunately it's written and preformed by PINK CREAM 69

I have 10 more songs including "Pedal to the Metal" by The Bang Gang but this is getting a bit long and sweaty so I'm gonna cut it down a bit. I will do a second installment if you guys like it.

Let me know.









9 comments:

  1. I like it. Get on the second installment, please.

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  2. you are so very talented. You honestly know how to write a review and whether it is fact or fiction you are the only one who really knows. Good stuff as always Nate.

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  3. Firstly, my older sister fucked a guy from Danger Danger and a guy from Toro Toro (again with the two times, two times). Toro Toro has GOT to be in your compendium someplace.

    Anyway, the writing is brilliant and entertaining, which I need when I'm at the office and denying there's work to be done, so please, for the love of Christ, keep them coming.

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  4. This post is so appropriate after the death of one of metal's founding fathers, Dio.

    Awesome reviews of all the songs, I especially like the accompanying pictures. Think of all the holes in the ozone that amount of aquanet caused.

    Good luck with getting through the whole collection. Years ago I downloaded the complete Mountain Goats discography (lead singer John Darnielle is also a devout metal head), I still have yet to listen to all the songs.

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  5. i feel the burning desire to put eyeline on. you could be a cult leader.

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  6. Pink Cream 69, one size fits...hmmm...perhaps they came up with their name at one of those...ahem video stores.

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  7. I enjoyed this keep it rolling...and for those who don't know what a video store is...google pink creampie 69 and you'll get the picture

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  8. Sleeze Beez, L.A. Guns, W.A.S.P., and the king of sleaze, Michael Monroe. They've all got great songs. The rest of the bands, meh.

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  9. There are some absolutely fantastic songs on this compilation that are impossible to find anywhere else. How about instead of just complaining about shit and ripping on an underrated and prejudiced against genre you seek the hidden gold instead of the obvious shit, here's another idea, try to not judge a band on ONE FUCKING SONG. I've listened to the entire 111 volumes of Absolute Hair Metal and there's been several instances where I'll come across a brilliant band but one of their weaker songs. Black n Blue for example have some tracks that absolutely destroy, how about listening to an album before you jump the gun cobber! Seriously tempted to challenge your vitriol with a post about the BEST of the Absolute Hair Metal cannon, it's all good to be funny and have a laugh mate, but you're summing up a 111 song compilation in less than twenty songs which is a bit silly and grossly inaccurate.
    Just off the top of my head for you and anyone else interested here are some unknown gems to look out for in Absolute Hair Metal.
    Laney Track - Instinct Animal, Jesse Strange - If Whiskey Was A Woman, Ten - Don't Cry, Grayson Manor - Down n' Dirty, Cadillac Bratz - Pybum (Put Your Body Under Me), Backlit Revolver - Stick It In Sideways, Wicked Kin - Women and Money, Dizzy Lane - Outlaw Kid, Cowboy Prostitutes - Joy, Razor Baby - Danger, Bang Gang - Pedal to the Metal, Billionaire Boys Club - No Time To Sleep, Trixter - Always A Victim, Tora Tora - Guilty, Tigertailz - Love Bomb Baby, Firehouse - All She Wrote, Wraithchild - Trash Queen.
    I could go on but considering how impatient you were to judge I doubt you'll give these a fair listen. Absolute Hair Metal is an excellent collection of both rare and well known glam rock tunes from the past and present and I urge everyone interested in the genre and those who exhibit a bit of PATIENCE to give it a go!
    OP go and suck a turd you snot licking donkey fart.

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