Absolute Hair Metal Volumes 1-11

I grew up on metal, I didn't just have an older sister (Sara) who was totally into metal I had a grandma (Lila) who bought Sara (and by proxy, me) the Twisted Sister "Stay Hungry" cassette, I had a step dad who gave me his Black Sabbath records when I was 11 or 12 and a mom who once cut a shopping excursion short so we could go home cause I bought Girls, Girls, Girls.

My credentials:

I had a 4 panel fold out poster of Mick Mars BY HIMSELF. A real metal head knows how rare this is.

I know why Kane Roberts is so rad. (Machine gun guitar)

I know who Love/Hate is. (Awesome, cheap GNR xerox, guitarist = Skid, singer = Jizzy Pearl)

I made 3 volumes of 90 minute mix tapes solely consisting of songs from the first 3 Metallica albums.

I was SHOCKED that Rob Halford was gay.

I can quote "The Warrior's Prayer" to you right now in it's entirety, verbatim, with the Scottish brogue.

My love of KISS was not based only on the cool-make-up-decent-songs-Destroyer era, I loved 'em during Lick It Up through Hot In The Shade. I'm talkin' Vinnie Vincent, Mark St John and Bruce Kulick, man the suck years. A whole wall of ugly, makeup-less posters. A whole wall of shame.

I grew up listening to metal.

The other day I downloaded a torrent called Absolute Hair Metal. It ended up being 111 volumes deep with 14 tracks per album, most of them by bands I knew peripherally at best. I can't POSSIBLY listen to all this and neither can you so we're gonna go through it in bits and pieces. I made a playlist today to listen to while I did dishes and we gonna talk about each track real quick.

Rip and Tear - LA Guns

Once LA Guns starts a rockin' do you think they're gonna stop? The answer is "No, of course LA Guns is not going to stop rockin' JESUS, that's just silly Mr. Silly Goose." Also, they are not asking permission to come after you, they are just going to do it, but don't worry they "shoot to thrill" and think you are "nice n' sleazy."

Bang Bang - Danger Danger

I'm not real familiar with this band so I cannot say for sure if the whole band has a stuttering problem of they always say things two times, two times. They sound like they picked this song out of Jo Bo Jo's trash. Radio pop metal....gross.

I Wanna Be Somebody - WASP

This song rules. End of review.

PS If you get a chance to see WASP this summer, go do it, they sound exactly the same as they did in 1987.

PPS It's because they're using backing tracks for all the music and lip syncing all the words... Chris Holmes died BEFORE he filmed his interview in the second "Decline"

Riot In Everyone -Crashdiet

You named your band Crashdiet?? Seriously? It's just my 2 cents but maybe you guys should have had one more band meeting before settling on "Crashdiet." This song is the classic example of "we're a live band, the producer didn't understand our vibe" Someone turned the metal down and the suck WAAAAAAY up on this band. Too bad, if they were a bit harder and had a better name I'dah asked Chris Pelner to marker it on my jean jacket in middle school. You can't write CRASHDIET on the back of your denim next to Celtic Frost and Motorhead, you just can't.

Wild In The Streets -Helix

AC/DC called, they've been doing this for awhile already and doing it much... much better. Check back with us if the WHOLE BAND chokes on ONE GUY'S vomit.

I'll Be There For You - Black-n-Blue

This is SOOOO gay. Hey Black n Blue, do you intend to be there for your friends? Even when times are bad and things are looking blue? Should friends and lovers live like strangers? What are you even TALKING ABOUT??

Right To Rock - Keel

At least when Beastie Boys did this song they were joking.

"Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life.

We won't turn it off, we won't turn it down, cause it's our way of life"

Good rhyme, Ron.

If I ever have a son I'm gonna give him this song as a test and if he ever quotes it back to me I'm gonna beat his momma with a shovel because she obviously cheated on me and I've been raising some bastard kid.

Damned If We Do, Damned If We Don't - Sleeze Beez

A poor man's Def Leppard with horns. Sample Lyric: "Momma said son don't you be a fool, it's time to face the golden rule"

then it goes on about cutting your hair and getting a 9 to 5 job. Hey Sleez Beez, the Golden Rule is "do unto others as you would have done unto you." It has NOTHING to do with anything you're talking about.

They also mention (as metal songs from this era tend to) the all-hated "three piece suit." You know who wears three piece suits? Lawyers, accountants, executives and other college graduates, not greasy drop-outs who MIGHT get a graveyard shift at the Pump-n-Dump if they can get up before 5 pm to ride their 10 speed with the bull horn handlebars down the block and turn in a fucking application...jeez.

Dead, Jail or Rock and Roll - Michael Monroe

I was betting on Dead but I Wiki'd Mikey and it looks like Rock and Roll is winning....so far.

This song opens the windows on your Firebird...you say you don't drive an Firebird? You do now.

Shame - Pink Cream 69

I had never heard of this song or this band before today, it's a good song, it's got a good hook, and smart lyrics, unfortunately it's written and preformed by PINK CREAM 69

I have 10 more songs including "Pedal to the Metal" by The Bang Gang but this is getting a bit long and sweaty so I'm gonna cut it down a bit. I will do a second installment if you guys like it.

Let me know.

The Monastery plays once a year

So I get a call from Phillip at 11:49 on Tuesday night. I'm not gonna answer it because I don't wanna meet for beers with a drunk Phillip at 11:49 on a Tuesday night, I also don't wanna have to wade through the accent, especially at midnight on a Tuesday. The next day I check the message.

"Hay Nate, remember when you said you'd sing for Kloster's 15th anniversary?, well the guitar player and drummer are going to meet you Thursday at 11 in the morning for band practice, okay? Good. Bye-bye."

I do remember agreeing to this but only because I didn't think it would ever happen. I HATE moving, I don't help people move, I just ain't "that friend" but if you and I were drunk and you were like "Shomeday, imma move tah fahkin space, brah".

I'd say "dooooode, I will totally help you move to schpash". That's what this was, drunk sincerity. I didn't think it would ever come together and now, 2 days before the show, I was meeting up with a drummer I'd never met and a equally mysterious guitar player.

Thursday morning rolls around, I show up at the bar and it's me and Phil. We wait for 45 minutes and Stephan the drummer shows up. I know Stephan, I like him. He rebuilds American Muscle cars and sells them here in Germany, cool guy, he has rough hands, and usually has a beer in one of 'em. While we wait for the guitarist to show up Stephan and I write up a set list, mainly classic bar songs, Johnny Cash, The Clash, Sam Sham & the Pharaohs, just sing along stuff. An hour later when the guitarist still hasn't shown up and I leave confident that I just dodged a bullet and I was right, this isn't going to happen.

Later that night while I'm DJing Phillip informs me he has found another guitarist and this guitarist will meet us FRIDAY MORNING for a practice so we can play a show SATURDAY EVENING, this is a recipe for disaster, like letting your teenage daughter intern for Tommy Lee. I am not looking forward to this, but I said I would and I'm not gonna let Phillip down.

Friday morning Stephan and I meet up with Wolfie, a 21 year old kid that plays bass in a German AC/DC tribute band. Wolfie doesn't drink, smoke, or mess up when he plays guitar, the kid is PHENOMENAL. Wolfie informs me that his favorite type of music is German acapella. I don't know him well enough to be able to tell if he's yanking my chain. I assume he'd HAVE to be...but he wasn't smiling when he said it.

Band practice is MAD fun and we rip through 10 songs a couple times and there's no way it can go bad.

The next day, my throat is SHREDDED. I haven't sang since I got here so I'm WAAAAAAY out of practice. My stomach hurts and I'm 90% sure I could throw up at any given time. I spend the day eating cough drops, drinking throat coat tea and trying to figure out how this could POSSIBLY work. And I just can't.

Tiff asks me if I'm sick, I'm not, I tell her my stomach just hurts.

"When was the last time you felt like this?"

"Just before I do kara--oh.......right " I can sing my own songs with my band anytime, anywhere but karaoke always makes me nervous. What if it's faster than I'm used to? What if I miss the intro? All that stuff just kills me. It's a damn good thing Tippy knows me better than I know myself. Still doesn't help my tummy, but an explanation is nice.

At 6:30 I meet the guys at the bar, I figure we'll do a couple songs at sound check, I'll sound like shit and we'll cancel the whole thing due to "illness." As soon as we play the first song all the bad stuff melts away and we have a great time. A couple hours later we rocked the place, it was packed and everyone sang along.

What I wanna know is how a dude from Portland that's only been in the country for 3 months ends up singing for the house band at one of the coolest bars in Nuremberg.

Luck I guess.

Next time, the futbol match...