Sweden Part 1

I love Tiffany, she's logical, she's smart, she's funny, she doesn't get mad when I do stupid shit, she's organized and she's down for whatever madness falls from the sky. Yet at 5:30 AM on Friday mornings I HATE her like Vito hates Mookie. (Do The Right Thing 1989)

Tiff: Awww...you are the sweetest...but you're right - not the sweetest early in the morning

I don't know why I agree to shit like this. I've lived with me for 33 years, long enough to know that I need at least 6 hours of sleep a night and yet whenever we buy plane tickets I clap like a monkey and vote for the earliest flight possible, because we might as well get there as early as we can. This time we're meeting up with John and Missy, friends of ours from Portland. John is the band, From Ashes Rise, they are playing a festival in a small town in Sweden and has invited us to come up for the show and to spend the weekend camping in the great outdoors.

We have plane tickets to Gothenberg, Sweden and we're headed to Munkedal, which is about an hour (or 36 fjords) north.

Tiff: Still no idea how to get from one place to the other - but we'll figure it out.

Like most of the plans Tippy and I come up with, we're not totally sure about anything. We know Munkedal is VERY small and might not have any sort of store or place to buy ANYTHING so we'll need to take enough to keep us alive for the whole trip. We are sure we're camping so we pack only the bare necessities:

1 tent

2 sleeping bags

2 tarps

2 chairs

a sweatshirt

socks

draws

an extra pair of pants

various snacks

a couple bottles of water

a bottle of grapefruit soda

and one bottle of Russian vodka

Tiff: Trips on the fly are always the best the way to go - forget planning.

Everything miraculously fits in a rolling duffel bag, and a small carry on, both of which are (presumably) waterproof.

I'm tired and grouchy so I bitch and complain the ENTIRE subway ride to the airport and Tiffany doesn't yell at me, I will never understand this but it will probably get her nominated for Sainthood someday.

There are another couple sitting across from us on the train. You can tell by looking at them that they partied all night, well, he did. He's passed out on her shoulder, she's staring at their reflection in the window, she's trying her best not to just get up and leave this drunk bastard. Her expression is repeating "I have GOT to breakup with this guy, I have GOT to breakup with this guy, I have GOT to breakup with this guy, I have GOT to breakup with this guy, I have GOT to breakup with this guy". We don't speak but 3 out of 4 of us know exactly what's going on and I decide to shut my mouth about being tired and cranky.

Two planes later we get to Munkedal and meet up with John, Missy, Derek the bass player and his girlfriend Ivy. Also attached to our group is one of the drunkest Canadians I've ever met, while we wait for our luggage with he yells about Poutain to whoever will listen, so I video him.

Tiff: Video shot before he threw his luggage on me...and refused to come out to see his family waiting for him on the other side of the luggage pickup...entertaining for a second, but had to shake him.

Missy, John, Derek and Ivy have a ride to Munkedal cause they're rockstars but regular-ass Tiff and I have* to figure our own way. The lady at the info desk tells Tiff there is only one bus to the city, so we can't get lost. We find the bus and it takes us to the train station. We find the right train, eat some lunch and climb aboard the 12:45 north-bound train. An hour and a half later we arrive in Munkedal and follow the punks who lead us first to the liquor store and then to the camping area. Munkedal is small, one grocery store, one liquor store, one pizza place and one small cafe, you can walk the circumference of town in 24 minutes.

Tiff: *GET to figure our own way

Oh, and it's raining pretty hard. Has been for awhile. It's wet and we have to set up camp. We walk to the camping area and survey the grounds, we'll need high ground to stay dry, Tip wants to be far enough away from the throngs that we can sleep while the inevitable party rages into the night, I maintain that if we're too far away we'll simply end up closer to the area that people will be using as a bathroom when the port-a-potties get filled up and/or tipped over. As it turns out everyone ends up being correct.

Hooray.

I set up the tent and rig up a tarp as a front porch/dry dock area with some bungee cords and borrowed string, you can see it in the picture below. Camp is now complete and I can crack a beer and go make friends with the neighbors , a group of Swedes with a massive tent who are sitting around a hookah drinking beers and listening to an old school ghetto blaster. I quickly find out that everyone in Sweden speaks English and is sarcastic, absurd & hilarious. We now have a good crew to hang with in the camp area. Lund, Nils, Svante, Cecilia and Jacob combined with me and Tiff proceed to drink and talk shit for awhile.

Tiff: Note our tent in the background - nice job babe

(L-R) Cecilia, Nils, Lund

Tif & Svante

Jacob, Cecilia, Nils

Lund, Nate

Tiff: These 5 were fucking fantastic - we couldn't have asked for better people to camp next too - they were all sooooooo rad!

A good, long while cause it's now 8 hours later, it's time to go to the show and Tiff is wasted.

WAY-STA-D

We make a muddy, slippery trek over a muddy slippery trail through the woods to the show watch at least a couple bands.

Tiff: This is where I fade

On the way in I meet a BIG dude with 2 beers in his hand. I go "you're not allowed to take beers in." He goes, "Oh, okay. Here" and hands me a beer. I ask if he wants to shot gun them, he has no idea what I'm talking about so I teach him, I stick my knife in and he does the same. 1, 2, 3, done. I have a new best friend.

We stumble into the festival, bee-line it to the beer garden where he buys the whole table a couple rounds of beers. A bit later when it's time for him to leave he sticks as many leftover beers as he can fit into his belt and hobbles to the entrance/exit where the beers succumb to gravity. The cops laugh along with the rest of the beer garden and then help him pick up his runaway alcohol and send him on his way. A few hours later I head back to the tent with what's left of Tippy.

Tiff: Wet and muddy me

Sweden part 2

Saturday morning and it's not raining anymore, instead it's gale force winds and our girl, TNT is hung over like a blanket on a clothes line. I feel like a million and change in Kroner, which is about 37 Euros or 22 dollars American. I meet up with John and Missy and we hit the grocery store looking for Gator-aid and snacks, John finds a blu-cheese/whiskey spread for the delicious snack win. I walk with John and Missy back to the band area and end up talking to Texas Terri for a bit. On the walk back to camp to drop off the hangover supplies to a sleeping Tiffany I meet up with a guy who said last year him and a bunch of guys were hiding in the woods scaring people as they walked back to camp. Apparently they jumped out and scared the shit out of the lead singer of Oi! Polloi! and he was so mad he wanted to kick all their asses. Hilarious! The guy is off to score more speed and axes me if I wanna go. I decline and instead head into town with the Swedes get pizza and beer. Tiff is asleep when I get back a couple hours later. Me and the Swedes alternate between coffee and talking shit, beer and talking shit and Irish coffee and deep contemplation. At some point Tiff gets up and we head up to the show. It's only 3:30 in the afternoon. I may have gotten up too early.

We spend the rest of the day alternating between watching the show and watching the rain from the camp and beer garden. Victims, Doom and I dunno who else played but it was fun. Around midnight the From Ashes Rise guys start getting together back stage and I video taped a bunch of it

They had a great set. I'll post those videos later. I gotta get permission first.

We party for another couple hours and head back to the campsite as the sun comes up at 3:30 am.

Tiff: Correction - the sun CAME up at 3:30am

Sunday we get up and tear down camp. We get everything packed up and head into town just in time to see the train pull out of the station. We check the time table and the next one is due in a scant 4 hours. Tiff axed me to check the train schedule the day before and I didn't...I'm a moron. We head to the cafe to get some coffee and eat a 4 hour breakfast. The guy at the cafe told us to check the bus schedule so while Tiff got coffee I ran to check the next bus. Fifteen minutes later, Tiff, me and 30 filthy, muddy punk rockers board a bus that was previously occupied solely by rich, white women headed to the local mall. They are HORRIFIED. The punks don't notice or care. We just sit where ever we can and wait. Tiff and I get floor space, everyone is super rad and very nice.

My view of the front of the bus

And the back...Naomi from Genies in Portland is back there somewhere

Tiff: Tired camp face

The boots of the couple next tous, The same couple that's making out in the picture above this one.

When we get back to Gothenberg our new bus friends invite us to pizza and beers but we have plans so we say goodbye. Inside the train station, while looking for the information counter we see this:

NFC -- They serve fried chicken, so I get that part of the name but what does the "N" stand for? What do YOU think it stands for? Who eats fried chicken? That's right, Norwegians. Norwegian Fried Chicken.

Racist.

We get to the hotel, check in and meet up with everyone, and get a late lunch at a place called MAX. It's REALLY good and REALLY REALLY good for fast food. The F.A.R. guys mention that the super idealistic promoters of the show would probably NOT get the irony of seeing them eat fast food. Whatever. Brad eats himself into a food coma and out of the ability to hit the roller coasters with Tiff, Dave and me. He's also playing Wack-a-Mole by the time we get back to the hotel. So Me, Tiff and Drummer Dave take off for Lise-land or whatever. ( Side note: Me and drummer Dave apparently look so much alike that his band mates can't tell us apart from the back.)

This town has an amusement park right up the street from our hotel and I'll be damned if I miss out on some good rides and this place has 3 awesome looking coasters.

Tiff: I think it was Liseberg - a definite recommendation for anyone visiting Gothenberg - an old town Dollywood like feel with roller coasters.

Tiff: You guys definitely look like you're related

The crew: Nate, Tiff & Dave looking forward to Sweden's best non-Bugs Bunny, but still cartoon rabbit based theme park

I'm especially looking forward to this ride, you'll notice that it rips your hair out AND has a fart rating of 5 stars...and judging from the kid on the left it should have a poo rating of Aardvark Sauce & Black Coffee as well.

And this ride which has a ROCK n ROLL rating of 5

a FART rating of 4 (check out the "sneaky lean" on the blonde)

and surprisingly a SNURR rating of 4, and we all know the Snurr rating board does not just hand out 4 stars willy-nilly

This is Tiff and a guy who is not me.

Tiff: The bunny snuck up on Dave - can't you tell by his surprise face?

Roller coaster shot. Dave is so close to crying I can taste the tears. Tiff and I are in the first car, I became a man that day.

Tiffany and the Whitney Houston star...there are like 5 crack jokes, but I'll let you guys make 'em

After that we got pizza for dinner and got wasted and told stories well into the night. After everyone else went to bed Brad, Dave and I wondered around Gothenberg. Brad says he got punched in the back of the head but I don't remember that.

The next morning we bugged out and went home.


And finally here's a picture of a naked woman with a sausage, just for reading this whole thing. Good for you.



Good for you you should be able to read this, good for me I should be able to write it.

PS I got exit row window seats the whole way home.
PPS Good for me I should be comfortable, good for you that you should be happy when I enjoy comfortable things.

Tiff: See ya next weekend in Berlin!